WARNING: this talks about death of a loved one and could b emotionally triggering. stay safe!
i think its normal to know grief. its something natural. life is natural, as so death. you will mourn someone just as much as you love them.
however its especially troubling when you expierience it at a young and impressionable age. when i think of "a young and impressionable age", i imagine a young child. like 5-9 years old. but honestly the most impressionable and important age a child can go through is their teenage years.
mine were not the best. during quarantine i was 12-13 years old. i turned 13 playing work at a pizza place with my friends glitching with the delivery cars. i didnt talk to anyone physically except my parents for at least 6 months.
being alone at home and not socializing caused my thoughts to internalize heavily. i became weary of people. the hermit shell i was already struggling to come out of with my social anxiety swallowed me whole. i loathed having to talk to anyone. i remember my mental state felt like dark things bouncing, bouncing around because i never had an output for it. those years were horrible on my psyche.
during 8th grade someone close to me had died. i knew him as you'd know an uncle. he knew my parents for probably already 20 years by then. looking back, its hard to talk about it. ive thought about it so much that all i can do it stare at it.
i didnt cry at the funeral. i dont think i cried at night either. i held my mother when she broke the news to me. i remember just sitting in my room taking in the information.
his death affected me in the way i had realized that anyone i know, at anytime can just dissapear. they can just die at any time. i can see them in the morning, i can hear a phone call the day before, and one moment theyre not there anymore. you wont hear their voice again. you wont see their face move again. you wont see them cook breakfast again. you wont see them laugh again. youll never see them smile again. pose for a picture. get angry. cry. scream. hug. love. you wont. ever. it really affected how i saw things. subconsiously i was deeply mortified of the idea that someone i love will die. i felt like i had to be vigilant with my boyfriend and my parents. if i dont prepare, itll hurt again. you know? usual 14 year old things LOL
i had thought this again when i was talking about what we're going to have to do after highschool with my friends, primarily gray. i was, of course, like "im actually fr scared when we finally move away from eachother" and gray was like "bro its not like im dead...."
after i tried conveying to him that like I can still grieve you (lowkey sounded like i was trying to keep him here lol) but i just wanted to like let him understand. but then after the conversation ended, i kinda realized, "not everybody feels the same way about grief like me." and it made me realize how much andy's death affected me. some people aren't tied to the feeling of grief. to the simple passage of time. the realization you won't be able to see something anymore. to have horrible anxieties to be vigilant of the people around me. and i thought, "i guess it's normal to not know that feeling at this age." im barely going to be 18 and im mourning things from the past. shouldnt that be something you do when youre 40? 50? i don't know.
along with grief tying me down, i feel like its caused me to see good in things. although harshly, i learned to treasure things. one moment they can be gone, so love it the best you can. i dont fully enforce that moral but its caused me to be gentle. to be gentle is to be made of daggers.