the fleeting sense of time has always followed me everywhere. its like a dog that i forget is following me, but when i finally notice i realize how long its been. life sometimes was better before, but ive let that feeling not drag me down, but just let it live with me. let it sit in my living room. serve it some tea.
time will always move. i wont be 8 again playing roblox after school. i wont be in freshman year before laws and genocides and worse things became worse, playing games with friends. i wont be a 13 year old losing sense of myself playing liminal spaces on roblox again. its fleeting. forever fleeting. i am the only one that can remember it, and honestly that scares me. maybe its because i can have poor recalling at times, but having no one to bond over it with... no one to recall with... it makes me scared. lonely. ... but ive learned to accept that. it wont ever come back, its forever static in my memory, but something else can keep going. Me, right now... so i will!
i feel the same way about my parents too. i wont have any siblings to help me carry their life when theyre gone. i will have to carry it alone. i dont want to be alone. ive felt that all my life. but ill keep going, because ill get nowhere if i dont! i want to be somewhere, anywhere but here! so i must move !
...
some songs take me back, real back. especially to quarantine playing liminal spaces on roblox. aquatic ambience by scizzie is very strange, not in the way it sounds, but how people associate it with nostalgia and childhood. i still feel that nostalgia but now i feel it from the moment i was feeling that nostalgia. time is a fickle, fickle thing isnt it? i listen to these songs, and i genuinely get taken back, like i just walked into a room that looks, smells, and feels like it. memories of those roblox games really makes me feel like i was there. honestly i dont remember any from memory, theyve just jumbled into something, but quarantine derived me of human experience i clinged to roblox. these games i played i subconsiously created intricate worlds in my head that i sometimes walk into again. all i can do after it is just turn my head and let the dog keep following me. and i know it will keep coming, maybe even become bigger, when even more and more time passes through my life. its both beautiful and terrifying. all i can do is just keep going.