August, 2025

this months been hectic. first, the youtube ai verification thing. i decided to boycott best way i could. #youtubefree #youtubewithdrawals. ive been using twitch as entertainment cuz i Need to see real life people doing something or i go crazy.

the obvious is that school starts. senior year! yay! i guess! im taking a college class (intro to government something) if i lock in my gpa will be better. i will get that fasfa. the first week was fine but then the second week i got sick w covid. is it the third week? fourth week? i cant even tell anymore. the monotony is getting to me and my struggle to keep up with my relationships is failing. my rooms slowly but surely becoming a mess with clothes everywhere. every single day i have a headache and if i stare at a computer screen too long i start feeling motion sickness even though im not moving. maybe its my congestion. idk. i wanna die cuz of it

my visual snow syndrome has been unbearable lately. at night its all i see and even white walls in a classroom feel so unbearably bright. i close my eyes and i just see lasting images flashing and waves of light and static. the headache is literally all over my head. i think half of itcomes from my neck tension and the other from my vss. im having so much trouble taking care of myself and how i act. i have an essay that i need to do badly but im falling behind. my arms and legs ache from being in the same position everyday. my back and neck hurt for being in this seat. im so exhausted. maybe its cause im out of shape, maybe its cause of some reason thats my fault but i cant stand it. ive never been able to stand it. i just always have to keep going because what else can i do? if i do nothing, then i will get nowhere. i need to get somewhere. anywhere but here. its thursday but i dont think i have the energy for tomorrow. but i hvae to keep going.

idk if this is a common number in other states for highschools, but texas's attendance limit is 9 absensces, both excused and unexcused. Ive already missed 3 days. for september, october, november and december i only have 6 days i can be absent. jesus fucking christ

ive been having trouble w my relationship (phoebe if you see this i loovveeee yooouuu) i dont know whats wrong with me. its this ugly mindset (probably from my adhd) of out of sight out of mind but worse. im so blind to myself and my intricasies and how i feel about things. i cant tell if im dissosociating or just have a lack of feeling because theres no change to how i feel when it first comes. i just. dont feel. this doesnt make sense and its not accurate to how i feel but i dont get it. i dont get myself and i dont get the people around me and every input in my life comes and swirls around and turns into Nothing. I dont feel it. i just subconsiously ignore it and i dont know why. i dont want to ignore it. thats not something i choose. i hate how different my subconsious choices are from my counsious choices. i feel like im trying to find out a different person in my head. i feel so apathetic to my life.

right now im exhausted. my shoulders hurt bad. i want to go home and stay home. i just want to curl into a ball and dont talk to anyone. not communicate not manage anyone. im waiting for a hopefully today reconsile from phoebe. hangnails hurt on my fingers. my fingernails are crooked and bitten. i wanted to look at recipies today. i wanted to try and be healthy. i just want to stop. but i cant stop. i can never, ever stop for the rest of my life. isnt that daunting? school makes everything so much severe and worse but without it is another just as worse path.

on a lighter note, ive figured out a more concrete plan after graduation. i think ill finish my essential classes at STC and then either after or later in life ill transfer to UTRGV for a degree. i think i want an archivist job. imagining working at dat little library with boxes makes me happy. either that or a museum conservator, but that deals with more science.Eh.... If all fails in life ill become a mailman. complete my dream.

edit: reconsiled with dweeby :)

edit 2: i also have been having trouble understanding my gender. recently ive been more masculine leaning and finding euphoria in dressing masculine, but some days he/him and they/them prounouns just Dont fit. its so odd. i wish there was another pronoun that fit me completely. she/her is too feminine, he/him is too just not me, and they/them is Not me. at all. rahhhh i hate this

ill see u next month. heres a gif i like

July, 2025

i didnt even realize it was nearing the end of the month. damn (its not even the end of the month, ive just made a habit of doing it like a week or two b4 it ends (3/4s?))

this months been a blur honestly. my sleep schedule has been so ass and tryign to fix it is not working. it feels like im rewiring my brain and losing sense of everything. im so tired and i just wanna sleep it all away but im so tired of sleeping during the dya

i js wanna see the mornings. its really beautiful.

ive been taking a break from my website just mostly due to wavering interest, but theres just been something Wrong. its under my nose for sure, but ive been so tired and exhausted pushing myself that i cant see anything.

the youngest one of the litter darth had died i believe a couple days ago. poor baby. we called him goober for a bit. now the only one left is the oldest one, a girl.

my exhaustion has like sent me into a depression honestly. im js really tired this month

there hasnt been any school work at all. the year i finally expect it theres NONE. RAHHHHHHHHH. i watched the superman movie. in short the message was good but by itself it wasnt the greatest thing. my neck has been so stiff . help me

later this month (this week actually!) my mom has this work convention at south padre island and me and my dad r able to come. its paid by the city so IM GOING TO MARGARITAVILLE BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FUCK UES!!!!!!!!!! hopefully ill b awake. im js tired today. i wanna give up trying to fix it this way. ive been watching skullvolver recently, ive watched his stuff before like his darkrp but i watched his recent undertale first time playing vod and Oh My god. i relived sm of that beautiful game through his eyes and cried alot. when i watched penny play it, penny and both me (that sounds parasocial. i dont mean it that way lmao) have already seen and had this game touched our hearts. but skull? this was his first time and seeing his reactions, the way it worked and touched his heart personally too, made me so happy. before i watched the final vod i saw his tweet abt throwing his cigarettes in the dumpster and i was like hehehe lol but the Context to that? it made me cry so much. im so happy he was able to expierience that in a dark time and it let him become better in that moment. tldr, am now big skullvovler fan. everyone go watch him

gif this month: sorry dont got one. :(

June, 2025

yay summer! also my last. lets not talk about that though

ive been doing a whole bunch of nothing. deltarune came out this month FUCK YES!!!!!!!!!!! FUCK YES and its been having me in a chokehold. oh my god. ive been struggling to clean my room (i set a goal to clean my room this summer) and ive procrastinated like alll month..... bro. but im finally tackling my laundry and i WILL fold my clothes this time yuh huh i will NOT leave them on my bed and watch them fall on my floor ..... yes

the dog my parents have been taking care of for over a year, luna, finally was taken to the vet and the only option was to euthanize her. me and my mom buried her in the backyard, with her bed too. we buried the flowers she always sat on and ruined /affectionate. my mom was not the best caretaker (not abusive, just neglectful). she couldnt walk in the first place. im glad shes just not in pain anymore.

i hate knowing when things are buried. when somethings down there, covered in dirt. is in uncomfortable? do you feel it? it must suck being wrapped in that plastic bag. i hope it isnt too hot.

andys in a casket. it probably still gets stuffy in there though. the other kitten didnt have anything. hopefully in fall, its not too hot and not too cold under there.

i dont think i want to be buried. maybe cremated. however, i want a tree sprouted from my body. its cold underground. the water pipes that run undeground are always colder compared to the ones in the roof.

away from that, the tenna freaks on ao3 have succesfully converted me. i NEED that tv. I LOVE TV

i have scoured all of the tenna/readers. i have scoured all of the spamtennas. the mettatennas... theyre all peak

its gotten so bad that ive started selfshipping. I NEVER SELFSHIP. OH MY GOD

heres my fav gif i found this month (he is so hot here. oh lord):

May, 2025

i survived junior year my lord. i passed all my classes (yay!) but i didnt get a b in my speech. fuuuuk. i got a c and look man "cs get degrees"

naruto as quick as it came left as soon i remembered deltarune existed. i cannot wait until 3+4 come out aw ya aw ya

im gonna try and pick myself up this summer. i need to start driving and maybe get a job #unemploymenteraover. i also need to do chores n shit ive been fucked up at doing dishes

unfortunately since i live DEEP in texas it is unbearably and horridly hot dude. 100+ degrees fahrenheit with a sun sensitivity is not for the weak

heres my fav gif i found this month:

April, 2025

this months been as well as the other ones has gone. tiring asfuck i hate school. im just glad im enjoying html. i hung out with family with easter, and hopefully this month i can go somewhere with my friends. im on academic probation and if i dont get a B in this speech class im actually fucked

ive been getting back into naruto. last time was like. 5th grade. actually crazy. despite how bad it is it IS amazing and everyones should watch it. sasunaru 5ever and sakura is the best character fight with the WALL

its whatevr. ill just do my best. heres my fav gif i found this month: