the reason i created this website is because i wanted a place to put something somewhere. whether it be a recipe, or drawings, or the most dumbest thing ever, its just a place where i can make my own little mark without the idea of likes or reposting. its my website, im not sharing it with anyone else and that makes me happy :-)
but, something i've realized about myself recently is that i do seek people to see my creations. when i create my goal at the end is to see people enjoy it. the way i want to convey things is the way i want it to feel.
this mindset, i've realized, isnt the greatest. it hasnt led me anywhere for a long time. whenever i update something on this site, i always look for what people liked or commented on NeoCities or what my friends think. i check my email for guestbook messages. i check the new followers on NeoCities. i share a link to a page to my friends. what do they think of my art page? do they like it?
ive decided i need to learn from this. i want to create because i want to. i dont want to be dependent on what i want the end goal to feel and how people interact with me. nobody has to see this. nobody has to enjoy this. yes, the feelings beautiful to be enjoyed but i cannot be dependent on that. i am enough, you know? i want this to be my space, yes, but i dont just want to seek eyes. i do not want to preform here anymore. i want to make something because i love building it, not because i love dreaming of the finished product.
this website, scientificaljudge.neocities.org, is teaching me things about my life. i think its causing me to grow. think differently about things. my mother had said to my counselor that ive grown alot. it made me really realize, not even from creating this website, that i have. i really have. its caused me to see different perspectives about my life and take different approaches, even if its just a little bit. its caused me to be more gentle treading my inner behaviors. ive found myself recently not that afraid anymore.
i made this website because i want to grow. i want to become a better person. i want to write. i want to draw. i want to make a story. i dont want to be afraid of showing myself. i want to show myself here, on this little neocities website and not wait for an applause. i do not want to wait for a laugh track anymore. i am enough. im allowed to live and create in a space just for myself and my eyes only. people seeing it is just a bonus! my house does not need an open wall for people to observe into!
mom & dad: for being such nerds and making a nerd x2
my highschool and middle school friends, phoebe gray dani sora and dala: my peace of minds and a space where i can comfortably be myself
phoebe: my most important person ever. the amount of memories and things weve created together mean so much to me. you are my better half and i hope for 4 more years together <3